Fat Bottom Girl is moving...

Puella has found a new home on WordPress!! I'm excited to say that we are moving finally all moved in over there. I have decided that it's too much work to keep both sites updated so this site will be shutting down completely on April 1. Go follow me here or www.thefatbottomgirl.com

Get Out of the Road, Fatty!

Countdown to the Half:
Day 6:

Clearly, I have underestimated the amount of hills and lack of actual sidewalks there are in the little town in which I work. The plan was to get off work at 6pm, change clothes, and do a quick 4 mile out and back (and by quick I mean less than an hour of running.) When I started it was daylight and my choice of black spandex running tights and a black shirt was just fine (for running in at least, but it's quite possible that the viewing pleasure of others was slightly disturbed.) Unfortunately, as my mileage increased so did the darkness and my choice of attire was obviously not wise. Sometimes I forget that I live and work in the mountains and when the sun decides to go down for the night, it goes down very quickly, and it gets very dark.

You can't really tell from this pic...but those are HILLS!

I ran past all the outdoor patio eateries that we happen to have here, which is an ungodly amount for some reason, and they smell fucking delicious! Obviously the people stuffing their faces were extremely jealous of my excellent running form because they all stared at me with their mouths open and the fork frozen in place half way to their face. I seriously contemplated stealing a french fry from a few plates as I ran past...it wasn't like they needed to eat it nor would they get up and chase me.

There were a few times I was forced preferred to run in the road due to some snow stubbornly remaining in the shady parts of the sidewalk or a lack of sidewalk at all. The road I chose to run on is a main thoroughfare and I had to watch out for the people who always obey the laws and do the speed limit shitty fucking drivers.

I, of course, had my head phones in and my music blaring because I am a dissociative runner (it's a thing, I promise, look it up) and I must have distractions. I start to make my way up one of the many steep and steady hills toward the cute little town and suddenly, out of no where, I start hearing horns honking and cars start flashing their lights at me. I proceed to get so excited that I wave to each vehicle with a gigantic smile on my face and my arms flailing about as if I just won a million dollars. I think to myself, "wow, this town is just great, look how supportive they are of FBG runners!"

After a few moments I began to wonder if they were really encouraging me or just saying, "get out of the road, fatty!"

I Run 4

Not so recently I was introduced to the most amazing group of runners that I have never met. The IRun4Michael group. You see, when I started this running journey it was for me. For my health, for my self-esteem (or lack thereof,) and for my family. I never thought that I could do this for anyone else. Boy, was I mistaken.

My Aunt, an amazingly strong, quick witted, FBG, introduced me to this group that pairs you with children/people who cannot run due to a disability. She had found them because of her son who has Angelman Syndrome (if you do not know what that is click here. These angels are some of the greatest kids I know) and said that I should register as a runner.

I figured, what the hell. Let's do it, so I did. The wait list is very long but a few months later I was paired with a happy little boy. I am his number one fan at the moment because he is just plain awesome. Like any little man he loves playing outside but the problem is he has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and a rare disorder that makes him allergic to the sun light. So playing outside is a chore of dressing him for the likes of the blizzard of '93. His mother is an astonishingly strong woman who keeps in touch with me regularly about him and home-schools both of her children (her daughter also has a runner due to her own disabilities.) She puts up with my constant complaints of not being able to run outside which is awesome. I'm completely surprised she hasn't dumped me yet.

I am honored and humbled that I was chosen to be the runner for him. It literally takes no time away from my schedule to dedicate my runs, workouts, and my all around general laziness to him. He inspires me to get out there because he can't. I complain because I can't run outside when it's cold, he can't go outside at all, what in the world do I have to complain about?

So please, if you have a little time to sign up go do it. You don't have to be a runner, just someone who exercises regular-ish-ly like me. I promise it is fulfilling and even a little bit of acknowledgement for these kids goes a long, long, way.

Countdown to the Half Days 2 - 6

Day Two: Today I was supposed to do "Stretch and Strengthen" which to me meant I got to try out what others had told me was the most amazing workout I would just love.

Yoga.

Let me just tell you. I do not love Yoga. I do not think I could ever even learn to love Yoga. Yoga and I have tried to be friends and frankly, Yoga's a bitch. FBGs are not meant, in any capacity, to attempt a yoga position.

It started off well, sitting on the floor (my favorite place) and it involved a closing of the eyes to concentrating on your breathing. Easy enough, right? WRONG. First, I can't close my eyes! I had to watch the fucking video on YouTube because I had never done Yoga before. Second, I apparently forgot HOW to breathe in and out in a consistent manner. I held my breath nearly every pose and when I felt like I was going to pass out, I would let out this huge huff of air and suck it back in to hold again for another pose. By the end of the twenty-three minutes of the most annoying bitch voice ever a soothing voice, I was out of breath and still hadn't stretched a single muscle. I realize I was doing it all wrong and probably should've went to a beginners class, but once I was face down on my hands and knees and the German Shepard decided that would be a good time to mount me...I gave up. I lifted weights for the next thirty-five minutes and did my own stretching and felt great.

Day Three: 3 mile run. S-U-C-K-E-D A-S-S. It was the first run I had to do and it had snowed the night before about a foot deep. This meant that I was running on the devil incarnate instead of nice forgiving asphault. I did it and only bitched about it for an hour. Pretty good.

Day Four: I was looking forward to today! Only two miles and I got to run OUTSIDE for the first time. It was sub-freezing weather but I really did not care. I put on my brand spanking new cold weather running pants which sucked in all the fat and kept my legs from jiggling too much. They are awesome! I ran the two miles the fastest I have ever run two miles and it felt great. I used a pacer app that I had set for an ambitious 14 minute mile (I have never ran a 14 minute mile since leaving the Navy) and I did it! I even impressed myself. I wanted to go further but I promised myself to stick to the plan for two reasons: 1) I had someone else to blame if I failed and 2) I did not want to injure myself again and have to pull out of the half.


Day Five: I was not looking forward to today. It was another 3 miles on the devil incarnate and of course...it had snowed another 2345345 feet or so, give or take a few inches. I grabbed my iPad and turned on Netflix to The Fluffy Movie and watched it. I was laughing the entire time and completely forgot that I was running. I ended up doing more than I had planned because I was so enthralled with Fluffy losing over 100 lbs and telling his super awesome story. And!!! I will have you know I didn't bitch about the run at all!

Day Six: And on the sixth day the FBG rested. May the training God's rejoice for this day I give thanks!

No One "Enjoys" Running

Literally, no one.

Oh, now, don't get your panties all in a rumple, hear me out.

Ask yourself if you really enjoy the act of running. The legs burning, lungs screaming, heart pounding, act of running. Or is it the after effects of the run that make you love it? The other day I took a short run on the treadmill (aka the hatemill) and found that I really, really, really, love hate running. I mean, I REALLY hate running. I love the "idea" of running and all the good things that happen after running such as weight loss, muscle building, and depression fighting. But I truly despise the act of running.

It hurts, it makes me want to vomit, I'm sore for what seems like an eternity, I hate it. Somehow, I still turn around twenty minutes later and excitedly tell my FBG fan club that I love running.

The people that perhaps do enjoy the act of running must have some sort of chemical imbalance. It's sick really. Let me list all of the things that I have found make me hate the act of running (as described by a member of the FBG fan club):


1. Chaffed nipples
2. Black toenails
3. Falling off of said toenails
4. Bounciness of fat

Please, feel free to comment below the reasons you hate running or try to convince me that you actually love running. I'd love to hear them.



Countdown to the Half Update:
I downloaded the 12 week half marathon training plan written by Hal Higdon and tweaked it to fit my needs and in ten weeks (ambitious? Possibly). You can find it here if you want to start training for your own half because I am so damned inspiring!


Day One: Today I just had to do 30 minutes of cross training. I took this to mean I could do the elliptical (aka devil incarnate) for 30 minutes. Which I did. But of course I couldn't just do that and feel any sort of accomplishment. So fan girl (mentioned earlier) and I did some light weight lifting. (And by "light weight lifting" I mean completely destroyed our arms and abs with only a little bit of work.)

Half Marathon

Shit. I've gone and done it now. I have somehow conned talked myself into running a half marathon. I'm not exactly sure what has possessed me to sign up for said half marathon. Apparently, I have lost my last ounce of sanity in nursing school and I believe I can do anything!

This is probably how the conversation with myself went:

"Hey FBG, you've been running for a couple weeks each month for the better part of a year. Maybe you can run a half?"

"Are you nuts? You know that's like 13.1 miles, probably up hill the whole time. Of course I can't run a half."

"Okay. Lets sign up for one."

"Sounds awesome. Lets do it."

And so I did. Bought and paid for. I was even so excited that they had a "finisher" medal that I wrote a training plan and it starts tomorrow. Just so you know, everything I ever "start" starts tomorrow.



I asked my friends if they wanted to join me. All 200+ of them on my friends list on Facebook were so excited that they didn't even say they would. I assume they went right out and signed up without telling me and I will see them there on the starting line. Although, I did manage to beg and plead ask one nice FBG bestie club member to sign up with me. On a serious note; she has been my rock through this whole thing. Even though we don't get to see each other much, she was always willing to take a run with me and she always stuck by my side (even though I know she can run much faster than me and she has proven it.) She may think I am insane but she will be right there with me and we both will get our clean white self-huggers at the same time!


The website says that the cut off time is 3.5 hours to run the race. "Plenty" of time for "walkers" they said. I figure it takes me an unholy hellish amount of time a little under two hours to run 7 miles. I think I will eat up every second of the 3.5 hours but I might just make it. I just might get that medal.

P.S. My new hero is T-rex runner. Click the name to read about her. Her blog is not only funny but she is basically a smaller version of me. She doesn't know it yet but we are destined to be best friends common acquaintances.

Well Crap.

First of all, it's been way too long since I've kept you all updated and posted. This is entirely my fault but I haven't given up and I trust that you're still here to read my tales no matter how long it takes me. Listen, I have news. Not great news but not bad news either. I graduate nursing school soon and the husband has paid for a cruise to the Bahamas in celebration of my accomplishment. (We are going regardless if I manage to make it through this last semester or not.)

 Here is the problem:

1. I do not have a dress for the formal dinner night. Actually, that's a lie. I DO have a dress. I just can't fit in to the damn thing. It hangs in my closet...attempting to look innocent...but it mocks me. I know it's tricks. I have not worn it since after baby number one in Hawaii. I also haven't tried it on since cruise number one in which it was way too small. Granted, I have lost a literal ton some weight since cruise number one, so I'm probably just being paranoid that it won't fit. I just don't want to take any chances of being completely heart broken if it does not. (I would be over joyed if it was too big though!)

2. It's the freakin' Bahamas...in June. It's hot. Not just hot, that's not the right word at all, but so damn hot you have to chew your air to breathe and your shoes melt to the pavement type hot. But that type of hot does not afford me permission to just run around naked. That means I have to wear shorts. This is not something that I wish upon anyone's viewing pleasures. Blonde haired, blue eyed, white girl, problems I suppose.




Here are the good points:

1. I get to go to the Bahamas again.
2. I get to RUN in the Bahamas, that is if I can get off the ship without bursting into flames.

It All Came Back

Every. Single. Pound.

Why? Well, it's easy when you stop working out. I just gave up over the winter and realized what a huge mistake it was when I gained all my weight back and then some. My self pity is at an all time high right now. My so-called "friends" who said that they would be with me through this whole thing and I thought would never leave me...have done just that. My motivation is gone. My hope of being at my goal weight, shot completely down.

I have a list of excuses that any normal human being would never fault me for not working out. Unfortunately, I am not a normal person so I blame myself for everything and take it all to heart that I am a failure. Well, I am tired of writing about my failures. It doesn't do me any good and it's boring for you so this is my new "I can do it" post instead.

I am in nursing school. Not only is it a hell of a different level it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. Yet, it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done as well. It takes up, literally, all of my time. I haven't seen my family since August of last year when I started. A normal day of school and work can run from wake to sleep time: 0430 to 2300 if I am lucky. Since nearly all of my time is dedicated to studies I have not had time to workout, run, or even eat normally. It's time to get back into action.

I am motivated by one thing right now. I simply cannot be that nurse that consistently tells people they should lose weight and be over 200 lbs myself. It just doesn't convey that "trust me because I know what I am talking about" kind of thing. It's like a smoker telling another smoker that smoking will kill you, no kidding? Is that why you still do it?

So here it is. I am buying a Fitbit, I have done my research on it and I know that it is not completely accurate but it is something to give me some motivation to get active. It's mostly because of that competitive gene that I have that I am getting one. So that I can compete with my nursing school buddies who have one. I must do better than them. I bought a treadmill so that even if it's raining (which it does a lot here in NC during the summer) I can still take a walk or a run. I bought a bike so I don't have to run all the time. Yes, running gets boring if you are doing the same route every day and never run with friends anymore because they gave up on you. Every chance I get I am going to be moving instead of sitting. That hour spent watching TV at night will be spent still watching TV but moving on the treadmill instead.

Pity party is over as of tonight. Tomorrow I will turn on the Fitbit and get to working. I will track everything I do on Myfitnesspal app and I will drink my fruit smoothies and water all day. Wish me luck, or don't. Either way I am doing this without my "friends" and I will definitely keep the rest of you posted.

Free Stuff

Well, I have news. Apparently, this FBG blog is popular enough to receive shit in the mail that says, "please try this super crazy, mega awesome, weight loss product that's guaranteed to work without you having to change anything about your diet and exercise routine, and then blog about it." Pretty cool right? Well, the fact that I am popular enough to get free shit makes me smile. That is, until I did a little research and find out the stuff is like extreme colon blow on steroids.

Now, I'm just about willing to try anything to lose my FBG status, but this was possibly going over the line for me. So of course, without hesitation, I gave it to a friend of mine to try instead. (I would much rather put him through the agony and suffering of being a poop machine than to deal with it myself.) After six weeks of flatulence, and no colon blowing of any sort, nor was there any weight loss to speak of, we decided that it just didn't work for him.

After complaining to the company support line that the product didn't work for my friend and I would not be blogging about it, they sent me more free product as if I had been doing it wrong or something. I decided that maybe I should give it a try. I mean I had eight bottles of the stuff. Maybe it was made specially for women or maybe my volunteer did it wrong or maybe it was specific for FBG me instead of anyone else. For six weeks I took four gigantic horse pills at night about thirty minutes after my last meal. Hoping to clog my toilet the next morning.

Cut to 5:30 am. I got nothing but a trumpets echoing throughout the bathroom that first day...and everyday for the next six weeks. I lost friends but no weight and my bowel movements remained normal. I decided that wasn't going to cut it. I changed it to taking the product in the morning before my first meal. Maybe that would get everything on the right track.

Fat chance...It just plain didn't work. I am disappointed but hey, it was worth a shot, right?

Now this isn't to say that this product won't and doesn't work for someone else. I just don't believe it was meant for me to use. I'll stick with my own, historically accurate, version of healthy eating and working out in order to lose my weight.

If you want to try this product I'll send it to you for free! Just email me at fatbottomgirl2013@gmail.com and I'll be happy as a clam to send you unopened product for you to try. (This isn't a ploy to get you to use this product I am honestly just tired of seeing the bottles collecting dust on my bathroom shelves. I promise not to bombard your email with a bunch of junk mail, since I don't sell anything, that should be easy!)

**Disclaimer** I was not paid for the use or advertisement of this product. This product is not FDA approved as it is a dietary supplement. As always, please consult with your physician prior to starting any diet or exercise routine. I am not responsible for any damages to persons regarding the product and the opinions expressed in this blog are mine. Judgments were made as to the effectiveness of the product based on my own diet and exercise routine and obviously everyone is different so please don't expect a miracle product to save us all from being FBG's.

If you have used this product before feel free to let me know how it worked for you in the comments section! I'd love to meet just one person who has actually had some results.

The Hiatus and the Return to Hell

Since that fateful day in October (aka race day) I have gone down hill, fast.

My inspiration and motivation was gone and my spirit was broken. I was convinced that I was just no good and I wanted to give it all up. I wasn't losing the weight fast enough and those who were once proud of me and encouraging had stopped being so helpful. I continued to run each day but my heart was no longer in it. The depression monster came back and weaved its dark shadows through my very soul and even a new pair of running shoes couldn't take me out of its grasp this time. Not to mention that the weather turned cold very quickly and if you remember how much I hate early morning runs then you'll be happy to know I despise cold runs too!


Thanksgiving day I was scheduled to run another 5K but this time I had not trained properly for it and I was dreading it with a passion. I had gone from running four or five miles at a time, five days a week, to doing intervals only a couple times a week (a mixture of walking and sprinting.) It improved my stamina and time on the distance runs but I couldn't get past this block that I had put up. My brain wouldn't focus on getting the job done and eventually I went from intervals to walking only. Then I just stopped working out all together which killed me because about the time that I would normally go for a run my legs would turn to fire. What doctors call restless leg syndrome.

When my running partner sprained her ankle a couple days before the race I totally used this as my excuse not to go. I also used it as my excuse to not run for the next three weeks as well. I don't regret not going to the race though. That morning it was 19 degrees! OMFG! I regret that I had pretty much given up on myself and was starting to feel guilty. Really guilty, which made it all that much worse, and now I really didn't want to workout any more. That is until I went back to work and an old friend that I hadn't seen or spoken to since October called me up and conned me into asked me nicely to join her at the gym today for something called "bootcamp".

(Side note: I've been to bootcamp and I didn't like it then either!)

I was excited to go but I was also nervous. I was worried that I would be the only Fat Bottom Girl there and I didn't want to make a complete fool of myself. I told myself that if she could do it then I sure as hell could do it too. I showed up at 8:45 am (I know right?! A morning workout?! WTF was I thinking?!) and met her at the door. She greeted me with that shit eating grin of hers and asked me if I was ready.

"Fuck no I'm not....Let's go in, I'm already here." I replied. It was 22 degrees and I just wanted to get indoors.

9 am the workout from hell started. My heart thumped in my chest so hard I was afraid it was going to flop out onto the floor. My legs were burning so much they could've started a forest fire and to top it all off I couldn't breathe. I heaved to suck in air, hoping to get the much needed oxygen to my O2 starved limbs to no avail. I was just going to have to suffer through it or pass the fuck out.

Just then the four foot nothing, beast of a woman barked into her headset to take a break and get some water. Thank God! Glancing at my watch on the way to my water bottle...9:05 am. That was just the warm-up. Sweet baby Jesus I was in for 55 more minutes of this hellish torture.

I made it through with only a couple bumps and bruises. I didn't pass out, I didn't puke, I did do the entire workout, and I did finish it without bitching, not one single time. (I couldn't breathe well enough to bitch or I probably would have.) Five minutes after the workout I signed up for the gym membership and I have dedicated myself to go three days a week and still do a run on the weekends. It's time to get back on track and get back to work! Thanks buddy (you know who you are) for giving me that call!!